Home / Life / Sex / What’s the best way to be dumped? We consider all the different, awful ways to mangle up or be broken up with

What’s the best way to be dumped? We consider all the different, awful ways to mangle up or be broken up with

What's the best way to be dumped?
Are you certain you wish to be told in person? (Picture: Liberty Antonia Sadler for Metro.co.uk)

I was once dumped in a pub in north London.

Nothing fantastic happened – but the pub was called The Famous Cock.

And that arrange of summed up the bloke, too.

Another time someone pennyless up with me we were in the lift in the Gherkin.

At the party at the top of the building the bloke was revelation me how beautiful we was and how it dissapoint him when we put myself down.

Then, by the time we hit the belligerent floor, he was all ‘but you know I’m changeable about you, right?’

Being dumped is hideous, of course.

But there are better and worse ways it can happen.

Read on, my associate losers in love.

By text

The pros

Some contend there are advantages to being dumped by text.

The summary is customarily brief and (not) honeyed – so no enlarged ‘peeling the smear off’ agony.

You have the possibility to catch the information before wanting to respond and, crucially, you get to see what an awful doormat the transfer chump is.

The cons

What an awful coward!

An awful doormat who hasn’t given you the possibility to chuck a potion of booze over his/her awful doormat face! Grrrrr.

Dumping by calm is so pacifist aggressive.

You, the dumpee, don’t get the possibility to ask all the ‘but you pronounced my saggo bust warmed your heart as good as my knees’ questions.

You have no possibility to have your contend – and you have no possibility to make the break-up bloody anguish for them.

‘I need another Dubonnet while you tell me what we did on date 27, year 1, that annoyed you so.’

Bloody brutes.

By email

The pros

Like calm dumping, an email Dear John/Joanna gives you time to get your ‘not flattering adequate for them’ conduct around it all.

Time to read/re-read/read/read and send to 5 friends and work out what you wish to contend in response.

The best email respond to an email transfer we ever review (there had only been one date, we think, but the bloke didn’t take it well) was ‘I wish you live a long, miserable life’. we still skip him.

The cons

Again, an email transfer shows no courage, no affection, and no courtesy for the relationship.

And, again, it takes divided your event to whack this out.

Surely calm and email ‘ta-tas’ meant you’re left with a million unanswered questions.

And some smarts need the answers. Email dumpers leave you in that vicious ‘what if’ dilapidation with their Gfail approach.

What's the best way to be dumped?
Your phone is not your crony (Picture: Liberty Antonia Sadler for Metro.co.uk)

By phone

The pros

They caring adequate to tell you, to hear your voice, to have an tangible review about the split.

They honour you adequate to actually contend the difference to you.

They fundamentally give/gave a shit.

Unless of march they retreat the charges.

The cons

You have to have an tangible conversation.

A review they’ve prepped for but you positively didn’t see coming.

Will your brain conflict fast adequate during the romantic onslaught?

Will you conduct to contend all you wish to contend in this, your final speak with them? Probably not.

But that’s what speed dial is for.


The pros

A good balance to the relationship?

Started with a DM dick pic, ends with a DM from the prick.

At slightest this isn’t open humiliation. Unless they are a fan of the screen grab.

The cons

You can’t publicly shame them for being so cowardly. Not unless you are a fan of the screen grab.

In person

What's the best way to be dumped?
Supposedly the adult thing to do (Picture: Liberty Antonia Sadler for Metro.co.uk)

The pros

If someone dumps you in person, you can assume they hold you in high(ish) esteem.

They consider you should be treated like an adult who had enjoyed a grown-up attribute with them.

They desired you once – and they wish that feeling, and your history, to be formally celebrated by a pint and some Nobby’s Nuts in the internal ‘Spoons. It’s very moving.

The cons

They’ll see your fugly good face.

And you’ll many substantially remove your grace – and with it any possibility of capturing their heart again – three, maybe four, times during the encounter.

From excitable pleas for them not to leave you when they go to the bar for another Babycham to the unfortunate, inevitable, ‘one for the road’ voluptuous moment.

Do it if you must, but not on the road.

By ghosting your ass

The pros

Oh my God. Ghosting is so rude.

There is no excuse. Just an awful sign of these emotionally disposable times.

The only pro we can consider of is you see their loyal colours.

And those horrible hues will hopefully startle you into ‘f*** you!’ feelings.

The cons

It shoots your ego to shit and it leaves you flailing.

A lady we knew was with someone for a year. A whole year. Met his kids and everything.

They met up as common one weekend, spent two days and nights together, then he went home.

And she never listened from him again.

After no replies to phone calls, texts or even going turn to his she had to check with his family he was still alive.

He was but she never got any explanation. What disagreeable curved behaviour.

The moral? Never date anyone again.

As my late, great, ex and crony G would say: ‘Boys and girls? It’s a f***ing nightmare’ (read ‘boys and boys’ and ‘girls and girls’ too).

Bibi thinks dating sucks a big one. She writes cheerily on this and other matters at bibilynch.com

MORE: Why I’d rather be ghosted

MORE: Nine brutal ways people have dumped their exes – and regretted it

MORE: Here’s what you need to know if you have been dumped by ‘The One’

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